Hell No, We Won’t Graco

If a list were made of events that are not likely to occur anytime before the Rapture’s arrival, it would include: Tim Donaghy being named the NBA’s “Official of the Year;” Michael Vick being approved for an adoption license by the ASPCA; Sinéad O’Connor getting an audience with the Bishop of Rome; Michael Brown being honored at a New Orleans Saints game; Carrot Top finding his dignity after the thrashing he took at the Comedy Central Roast of Flava Flav; and last, but certainly not least, my ever again buying a product from the anti-dad company called Graco.Anti-dad company?  Isn’t that a bit of a harsh label to apply to a company known for making sound baby products like car seats, swings, and playpens?No, I don’t think so and here’s why.

For the past four days, there has been a big Graco box in our living room.  I was tasked with taking out of the box the no-assembly-required high chair and setting it up.  I finally got around to it on Sunday.  Sure, it was easy to set up, you know, with the no assembly required aspect and what not, but as I took the box down to be recycled, I saw the anti-dad propaganda that the Graco machine is using to get across its dad-hate speech.

Staring back at me on the high chair box in big, bold, blue letters were the four most hurtful words ever:

“Ask Moms Who Know”

Never mind that this doesn’t tell us foolish fathers what to ask moms or even how us dumbbell dads can identify a mom who knows.  Clearly, someone needs to send this hatefatherocracy a memo informing them that the household portrayed in “Leave it to Beaver” no longer serves as a microcosm for homes across America.  Dads are here to stay, whether Graco likes it or not.

Yes, my friends, us dads are the next Internet.  We’re full of useless information, usually (but not always) helpful in finding what you’re looking for, can help make life easier when we’re not acting up or giving misinformation, and have practical applications that serve the greater good. What’s more, I’m surprised, frankly, that the religious right isn’t after Graco for being anti-family.  I mean, Graco seems to be saying, “dads don’t know anything so don’t even bother to keep ‘em around.”

(Sidebar: Graco did not return a call requesting a comment for this article).

And yes, my feelings are hurt, but not just for dads.  What about moms who don’t know?  Won’t moms who don’t get asked start asking why they’re not getting asked?  Who’s going to tell them that they’re not getting asked because they don’t know?  Will the fathers and mothers-who-don’t-know be able to unite?  Who will step up and lead us through these troubling and tumultuous times?  We need answers to these questions.

So some may accuse me overreacting or overly sensitive.  Hogwash, I say.  Was Jason Bourne overreacting and being overly sensitive?  No, and neither am I.

When you work as hard as I do at being dad, seeing a message that I shouldn’t be asked because either I don’t know or, even worse, I’m a dad, well, that’s enough to slap together some signs, come up with some puns, and stand outside Graco’s corporate headquarters until us dads (and moms who don’t know, of course) get the apology we deserve.

So this begs the questions, am I seriously upset?  In a word, YES!   While Anna still spends the bulk of her time with her mother, she spends a significant amount with me, too (alone time, as well as mom and dad time).  In fact, I was the one who discovered she loves to play on our bed or that she falls asleep quicker when she’s being rocked and hearing “shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”  I’d say that ways to keep our kid happy and get her to bed easier are big things to know.

But I guess in Graco’s eyes, I don’t deserve to get asked because I’m just a lowly little dad. No, I don’t really think Graco’s on an anti-dad campaign nor do I consider myself part of Graco’s key demographic.  And while I realize that we still live in a society where moms are expected to raise the kids and dads are expected to raise the dough, that’s no excuse for having such a one-sided corporate slogan. Why not?

Because I’m very involved in my kids life, just like countless other dads out there.  We know things about our kids and how to raise them and we deserve to be able to share these insights and ideas with our spouses and families and societies.   We deserve to be asked because even though we’re just dads, we know!

I just wish Graco saw it that way.